posted 08-30-2001 07:33 PM               

You said:
Hello, For a while now (3-4 years) I've begun to hate myself. Not just like "I wish I were tall, I wish I were popular" type hate. More like real hate. I hate who I am, what I am, what I look like, my personality, my position in life, and everything else. I don't know if it had anything to do with my years from 6 to 8th grade. During those years I went to a private catholic school where the entire grade was 20 kids. I was with the exact "class" for these years and one child ruined everything for me. He constantly made fun of me and in risk of breaking out of his "click" everyone else made fun of me. I was called dumb, loser, jerk, gay, made fun of behind and to my face, and no matter what I did they wouldn't stop. The insults became more and more devastating to me to the point where I believed them. Now I'm no "dumbass" I have very high grades but I'm not "geeky". I play some sports and I in good shape. But in spite of this the insults still came. Now that I'm in 10th grade (I'm almost 16) I still feel inadequate. Whenever I see people talking I think their laughing at me. I constantly nervous and stressed out and I slip into periods (usually short) of depression. Usually these periods of depression last only hours but recently at a summer camp (I've been there many times) I fell into one that lasted 3 days. I sat in a chair and just thought about everything. What do I feel this way? Am I depressed? Sometimes I think I would like to BE depressed so I could take a med and I would have energy and maybe I wouldn’t be so self-conscious and moody. I am also extremely moody and easily aggravated another reason I want to take anti-depressions meds. Other things I think about is that I would like to tell people everything just so I would get the "oh I feel so bad and I'm here to listen to you" attention. That is the attention I like the best. My crave for this attention does not come from a home issue. I get plenty of praise and attention at home. While I was at camp I often thought about sitting down with my counselor and telling him everything so I could receive this attention. I've never failed at anything. Usually I'm quite good at it. I took up computers and I'm learning HTML and other languages but I know that most people my age don’t know these things but I still feel like a failure. I know html very very well but my pages don’t look as good as other pages I see. I feel I should be competition with other people much older than me because they ARE the only competition. I feel inadequate. I haven’t been much of a "ladies man" because (I think this is why) of my lack of confidence. While in one of these depressions I thought about why everyone called me gay. I kept thinking and thought well it must be me. I don’t have a high voice, I don’t walk/talk/act gay but if everyone is calling me this (and more than just my ex-classmates) I must be! So now I'm at this point where I find men arousing but I don’t feel like I would ever want to BE with a man. I WANT a girlfriend but I think since I can't get one, I must be gay. And the cycle starts again. People also ask me, "Do you smoke? Do drugs?" but I don’t. Again I think that I should take them up as another way to get my twisted attention. Nobody knows anything about this and my friends/family would be shocked to know I feel this way. From my characteristics and my personality I shouldn't feel this way but I do! I don’t know what I should do. Any advice would be good. Thanks, Nigel

Our expert responded:

Hi, Nigel. Thanks for writing in. I'm really glad you felt you could write to us about how you've been feeling. Keeping in mind that we're not set up to provide counseling (we focus on sexuality and relationship issues), we'll do our best to respond to your concerns and to suggest some steps you can take for dealing with them yourself. The first thing I can tell you is that, based on what's been happening to you (the ongoing teasing, feeling inadequate), what you're feeling is normal. It doesn't mean, however, that you need to tolerate it any longer. It sounds like you're aware that you could use some ongoing help -- and from the insightful way in which you expressed yourself, I think you would benefit from the therapeutic process a great deal. You're right that medication could help, too -- however, a psychiatrist is the only person who can determine this and prescribe them. So in addition to being screened for depression, you can also talk in length about your feelings of inadequacy, your need for attention/ reinforcement, and your thoughts relating to whether you are gay or not. A quick note on that last part -- do keep in mind that going to a therapist or psychiatrist cannot CHANGE your sexual orientation. But you can process your feelings and come to understand them better. Know that lots of gay and lesbian people do not fit the stereotypes you described -- but also know that not connecting with someone of the other gender does not necessarily mean you are gay. It can take some time for people to understand their sexual orientation, so try not to pressure yourself to commit to fitting one label or another. Exploring feelings with a trained professional will help you understand this and the other many aspects of yourself that you sound very ready to discuss. Based on your email address, I'm assuming that you are writing to us from outside of the US. If that's the case, you'll need to talk with your family doctor or clinician to get a referral to a psychiatrist. It would be a good idea to talk with your parents first so that they know what's going on, and so that they can help you find someone. If I'm mistaken, and you are in the US, you will still need to ask your parents to help you find someone. But you can do so by going through the American Psychiatric Association. Their website is www.psych.org. Even if you are writing from outside of the US, they may be able to refer you to a national organization in your own country. I hope this is helpful and that you’ll feel free to write to us again with any other questions you may have. Take care, and good luck.

Now I still dont know if I should tell anyone. My parents I would feel would deject my comments.

posted 08-31-2001 03:19 AM               

I'm assuming this is genuine - it sounds like it - if it's a wind up, have a good laugh everyone - my shoulders are broad enough!

It sounds like you have not yet realised that it is common for youngsters who are themselves going through lifes difficult changes to feel inadequate / insecure,etc ???

.....and that their way of handling it is often to make fun of someone else and so divert attention away from their discomfort????

It goes on in adulthood too, but by then most people have seen it for what it is and can just dismiss it.

Peer pressure is also a pretty big thing.

Hence others won't split with the pack even though they may be feeling the same as you do, as they are afraid of becoming the new focus of this unwanted attention.

Their the ones with a problem - not you.

I had a degree of bullying at school because I was a quiet book reader type.

I eventually realised that the others were the sad ones because they weren't mature enough yet to handle the changes we were all going through making the transition from children into young adults.

I'm straight, but some of my friends at school thought they were gay.... and some have later turned out to be gay.

Ironically the tough ones in class were often fighting with their own gender uncertainty...... some of them turned out to be closet gays too!!!!

I think that what you see as gay attraction is almost cetrainly misinterpreted admiration.

I went to boarding school and this is an issue often discussed in hushed voices behind closed doors - because people don't understand it.

We all admired the sports team captains for their prowess, and success with the ladies.

You're probably not fancying other blokes - rather aspiring to be succcessful, accepted, ' manly ' like them - very common especially if your confidence has been knocked.

Even so, there's no problem having friends 'on either side of the fence' - doesn't mean Jack.

My first proper date wasn't until I was 17 - up until then I'd always had my nose stuck in a book - I wasn't interested in ' silly giggly girls' ! (ladies please excuse this)

You seem a very sensible person to have considered this and thought it through so clearly and carefully.

Have courage and seek the help you need to get you to break the cycle - you're not the one with the problem and you're not to blame.

If you want to talk anonymously on MSN or something - call me.

That goes for anyone else in the forum - I'm a good listener - and discreet!

posted 08-31-2001 04:02 AM               

I'm sorry I closed this earlier, but this is a huge subject that you are dealing with and it may require a lot of answers. If the OT thread is not appropriate - feel free to continue here but it may be closed if anyone starts to misinterpret or be abusive about this sensitive and important issue.

WBM

posted 08-31-2001 07:04 AM               

This was a one off help to a plea for same

If the originator wants to talk in confidence we'll do so in email / MSN

Just wanted them to know that their cry wasn't going unheard!

posted 08-31-2001 10:44 AM               

I've been through so much sh** in my life. Go to a psych. He or she will really help you out. If it wasn't for that person I went to, I'd probably be dead.